You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
