morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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