eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
