I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
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He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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