I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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