i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
