Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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