Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
