If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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