She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
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