My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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