I'm so fucking centered right now
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
