OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Randomize
