You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
