glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
