I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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