Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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