They should really pass out barf bags in church
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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