I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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