New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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