Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
