I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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