yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
