Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
