His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
