So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
