I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
