Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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