i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
