it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
