God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
