i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
