We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
