There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
