Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
