Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
