Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
