At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
