hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
