found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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