Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
