Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
