please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
