woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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