I wanna bring you to show and tell
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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