I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
