i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
