My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
