I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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