The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
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Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
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I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
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