Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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