wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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