I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So many bounce houses so little time
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
wow bdsm is so cute
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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