The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I can't turn off my feet"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
