Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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