You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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