I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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