You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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